Alexandra Fine trained in clinical psychology before she started making vibrators. She’s the co-founder and CEO of Dame, the company that sued the MTA over rejected subway ads and won the right to run them in 2021, making Dame the first female-founded pleasure brand allowed to advertise in the New York City subway. She’s also a mom of three, which turns out to be the thread running through most of this conversation.

We asked her about the half hour, since that’s about what a Mini is good for. She told us about Bluey, too.

Tell us who you are:

I’m Alexandra Fine. I’m the CEO of Dame Products, a mom of three, and a lover of life.

Miss Grass Minis are built for about a half hour. What does a half hour to yourself actually look like these days, and what did it used to look like?

The biggest difference in time to myself is that I usually need to leave the house to have it. There’s no going home after work to relax.

It used to look like having a full half hour. It used to look like watching whatever show I wanted to watch, or my favorite, going out to dance.

Now it looks like 10 minutes and then an episode of Bluey with my kids. Also Bluey slaps.

Do you use weed yourself? Has that changed since you became a parent?

I sit with weed.

My favorite thing to do when I’m high is hang out with my kids. I find that my ability to get on their level, to be patient, to explain a concept from a different angle, is all improved. And just a little bit makes a big difference.

The other thing that’s changed is how I store it.

You trained in clinical psychology before you started Dame. Cannabis gets sold pretty hard as an arousal aid. What does the evidence actually support, and where has the marketing gotten out ahead of it?

Cannabis is particularly powerful for female arousal. Isn’t that cool? About two years ago I was at a sex therapist conference and they were talking about the evidence being there but the lack of information around dosage. There’s also evidence that cannabis can improve sexual desire and arousal, but there’s evidence it can heighten anxiety and negatively impact the experience too.

Pleasure products and cannabis both got rebranded as wellness somewhere along the way. Did that make them easier to sell, and did anything useful get lost in it?

Language is wild. I know people feel like everything has become wellness, and like, what is wellness. But I personally think everything is wellness, or rather everything impacts our wellbeing and we should be aware of it.

Helping people see the positive impact vibrators and sex have on our lives has made it easier to sell. That said, we still have a ton of restrictions and challenges in selling our products.

Dame sued the MTA over rejected subway ads and settled in 2021. Cannabis is in that position now — a legal product shut out of advertising, app stores and payment processing. What did you learn in that fight, and did winning open anything up?

I learned that the fight itself can be an advertisement and an education, and that it’s our job as brands to fight.

I’ve also learned that while we settled the lawsuit and were allowed to run the advertisement, at the end of the day it doesn’t seem like we opened up that lane. If anything, they have clearer restrictions now.

A lot of people arrive at pleasure products after a long stretch of not thinking about their own body at all. What does the way back in usually look like?

The way back in sometimes looks awkward. It definitely can feel uncomfortable, but it can lead to pleasure, confidence, and a reclamation of self in an incredibly powerful way.

You’ve talked about being touched out, which is one of the more honest things anyone says about early motherhood. When someone’s in that spot, is the move less touch, different touch, or something that isn’t about touch at all?

I think it depends. Early motherhood doesn’t always have a lot of space for sex, and that’s okay. I’ve found that solo play has been a really powerful way back in for me: just touching myself and exploring things on my own terms, without having to worry about another person.

I also think it’s not just that we’re touched out. Sometimes the only touch we receive from our partners is initiation, and then every touch feels like an ask. Sometimes it’s more about touch without any expectation. Being touched outside the bedroom. Having our feet rubbed without any expectation of reciprocity.

There’s a specific kind of pressure where wanting sex turns into one more thing on the list you’re failing at. How do you talk to people who are in that?

This is also where I feel the word wellness fails us. Sex starts to feel like a yoga class you need to take, and if you don’t take it, you’re not taking care of yourself.

What I’d want somebody to know is that the way we take care of ourselves is by being in the present moment. That’s it. There’s no failing, and there’s no amount of sex you need to be having in order to be thriving. It’s simply a tool that could help you thrive.

I also think sex is often an indicator of other things. If you’re having a hard time having sexual activity in your life, whether that’s masturbation or sex with your partner, that might be an indication of something else. Maybe you’re working too much, not having enough downtime or general intimacy, not catching enough Z’s. Instead of thinking of it as failing, think of it as informative.

What do you want your kids to understand about their own bodies that nobody told you?

I just really want my kids to understand how to be in their bodies. That it’s their body, that they get to own their own boundaries, and that we need to exercise those boundaries: setting them, sometimes changing them, pushing past them and being a little uncomfortable.

It’s really great to learn we don’t like something. And it’s also important to retry things, because you never know. For years of my life I didn’t like strawberries. I’m very happy I decided to retry them.

What’s the smallest thing that reliably makes a day better?

Breath work.